Surprisingly I’m excited to write this blog post. A few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to say that though. In fact, for years I’ve been struggling to get pregnant and suffering in silence.
My job – and my joy – is to help women heal their relationship with food, trust the wisdom of their body, naturally lose weight and keep it off for good. So, admitting that I was struggling with fertility felt like admitting I was a big fat failure as a health coach.
A few months ago I made a decision to face my fertility issues from the heart. Before this I had always dealt with fertility from a very anatomical, biological, hormonal, nutritional, nuts and bolts sort of way. While this has worked in the past – sort of (I was pregnant in 09 but it was an ectopic pregnancy), I knew a blocked fallopian tube wasn’t the only thing that was blocking me from getting pregnant and becoming a mother.
I reached out to transformational healer, Russell Feingold from http://www.heartwisdom.com/ for some overdue inner work. Truth be told, I LOVE what I do. But, I’ve been loving it a little too much and lacked balance in my life.
I’ve been going, going, going. Doing, doing doing. Pushing, pushing, pushing for years. Finding balance is a big part of my journey to motherhood.
I will not lie. My first session with Russell was very painful. And very revealing. I remember him asking me why I thought I wasn’t getting pregnant and I kept talking about how happy I am, and how much I love what I do and that it didn’t really make sense to me on an emotional or spiritual level why I couldn’t get pregnant.
And then I said… “I guess I’m putting all my eggs in one basket.”
Uh… what?! Did I really just say that? We both started to laugh and I realized…. no scratch that, I awoke to the fact that just maybe I didn’t have room in my life for motherhood.
By this point, I’m starting to get this transformational healing stuff. Although, my session with Russell started off with me telling him how much this “process” sucked. But, by the end of the first session I was telling him… “this is the shit.”
I realized I had jealousy and resentment towards other women. I had unresolved issues with my mother, my sisters, my female friends and myself. And Russell kept talking about the divine feminine and letting go… of creating space…. of receiving… of being, rather than doing.
You’d think these were foreign concepts to me. But, this is exactly what I tell my weight-loss clients who have struggled for years with weight loss. And this is exactly what I needed to hear too.
Working with Russell has been a huge awakening and healing process. I’ve learned to see my struggle with fertility as a divine gift. It’s an opportunity for conscious conception. And now I embrace this process.
So here’s the deal. Do I still have some physical, nutritional, hormonal, nuts and bolts issues? Yes. And the reality is, without my work with Russell, I’d still be sitting around with “no partum” depression. Instead, I’ve forgiven my imperfections, embraced the mother that is already within me and extended gratitude to the women in my life who have taught me so much about the divine feminine.
Thank you Russell for your profoundly healing work.
Have you struggled with fertility? Please share any comments, insights, experiences, thoughts, or stories below. By sharing you give others permission to grow and heal.
With Purpose and Passion,