Facing Fertility Struggles

Surprisingly I’m excited to write this blog post. A few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to say that though. In fact, for years I’ve been struggling to get pregnant and suffering in silence.

My job – and my joy – is to help women heal their relationship with food, trust the wisdom of their body, naturally lose weight and keep it off for good.  So, admitting that I was struggling with fertility felt like admitting I was a big fat failure as a health coach.

A few months ago I made a decision to face my fertility issues from the heart. Before this I had always dealt with fertility from a very anatomical, biological, hormonal, nutritional, nuts and bolts sort of way.  While this has worked in the past – sort of (I was pregnant in 09 but it was an ectopic pregnancy), I knew a blocked fallopian tube wasn’t the only thing that was blocking me from getting pregnant and becoming a mother.

Russell with his amazing wife Alexis

I reached out to transformational healer, Russell Feingold from http://www.heartwisdom.com/ for some overdue inner work. Truth be told, I LOVE what I do. But, I’ve been loving it a little too much and lacked balance in my life.

I’ve been going, going, going. Doing, doing doing. Pushing, pushing, pushing for years.  Finding balance is a big part of my journey to motherhood.

I will not lie. My first session with Russell was very painful. And very revealing.  I remember him asking me why I thought I wasn’t getting pregnant and I kept talking about how happy I am, and how much I love what I do and that it didn’t really make sense to me on an emotional or spiritual level why I couldn’t get pregnant.

And then I said… “I guess I’m putting all my eggs in one basket.”

Uh… what?!  Did I really just say that?  We both started to laugh and I realized…. no scratch that, I awoke to the fact that just maybe I didn’t have room in my life for motherhood.

By this point, I’m starting to get this transformational healing stuff.  Although, my session with Russell started off with me telling him how much this “process” sucked.   But, by the end of the first session I was telling him… “this is the shit.”

I realized I had jealousy and resentment towards other women. I had unresolved issues with my mother, my sisters, my female friends and myself.  And Russell kept talking about the divine feminine and letting go… of creating space…. of receiving… of being, rather than doing.

You’d think these were foreign concepts to me. But, this is exactly what I tell my weight-loss clients who have struggled for years with weight loss. And this is exactly what I needed to hear too.

Working with Russell has been a huge awakening and healing process. I’ve learned to see my struggle with fertility as a divine gift.  It’s an opportunity for conscious conception. And now I embrace this process.

So here’s the deal. Do I still have some physical, nutritional, hormonal, nuts and bolts issues? Yes. And the reality is, without my work with Russell, I’d still be sitting around with “no partum” depression.  Instead, I’ve forgiven my imperfections, embraced the mother that is already within me and extended gratitude to the women in my life who have taught me so much about the divine feminine.

Thank you Russell for your profoundly healing work.

Have you struggled with fertility? Please share any comments, insights, experiences, thoughts, or stories below. By sharing you give others permission to grow and heal.

With Purpose and Passion,

Erin

Erin HugginsFacing Fertility Struggles

Comments 13

  1. Karen

    It took me awhile to get pregnant. When my husband and I decided we were ready to try to have a baby, I was in the most stressful job I could have possibly imagine, and was beating myself up about it. “Why can’t I do this? I’m strong, capable, etc. Why can’t I do this job well? Why am I failing?”

    While this was in my brain, there was no pregnancy. I quit, spent some time in counseling, started working a much less stressful job, centered myself….

    pregnant.

    I attribute the centering – the time I spent focused inward – with creating the right situation for a baby.

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    admin

    Karen, Thank you for sharing. Yeah, I’m done obsessing about getting pregnant. Spending time on my farm has helped me get grounded and working with Russell has really helped with some healing.

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    admin

    Thank you Daisy! Yes, I’m doing more yoga these days. It’s very restorative and grounding for me. In fact, I’ve cut way back on “working out” all together. That’s why you haven’t seen me post fitness videos in youtube in awhile 🙂

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  5. Daisy

    hi Erin, maybe u’d like to try this easy & filling Mung Bean drink recipe sometime? in Asia it is often said to aid fertility, nevertheless, it’s nutritious (i’ve modified it to suit US ingredients availability):

    -small bowl of (organic)mung bean (green bean)- soaked overnight or just boil them till soften.
    -plain almond milk
    -(organic)/raw vanilla extract to add fragrant/flavor
    – A small piece of ginger (if preferred. to add subtle ‘zing’ to the drink)
    – Stevia/agave, to bring out the flavor of the drink (i understand u’re the authority for Sugar Smack Down, but i dont know how you feel about this sweeteners- i typed those in anyway 🙂

    Blend them all together,i’d say not too diluted? for texture. drink chilled or warm (heat a bit on stove). Enjoy anytime or post workout. 🙂
    Have an enjoyable weekend!

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  8. Kimberly Johnson

    HI Erin,

    This was a very courageous post and I can relate on a lot of levels. I am a yoga teacher and a Rolfer. The recovery after the birth of my daughter (who is now 3 1/2) has been so intense and complicated. I had a lot of tearing that caused a lot of scar tissue and difficulty in healing. The part that I really relate to is feeling like I am supposed to be the one who understands my body and knows how to heal this. But it has been a profound lesson of patience and surrender beyond what I have ever learned. I am realizing that there is only so much I can DO. Being in this powerful community of productive and goal-oriented women is amazing and challenging. The kind of goals that I have, financial mostly, butt up against how much time I still need to rest and care for my daughter and myself. I see other women who pop back into shape and work and even have more kids than I do, and it is so hard not to compare. It is so hard not to feel inadequate. I still cannot do a yoga practice anything like I used to. It feels harder to put myself out there, which I need to, because I am no where close to what I view as my best. So I have to accept every day that I am where I am now in this process of redefinition.
    Anyway, thanks for sharing. Beijos, Kimberly

    P.S. I teach prenatal yoga classes and am a doula (mostly specialize in post-partum recovery now due to my experience); the more you can be in pregnant energy, the better. I cannot tell you how many people get pregnant during the doula trainings- something about all the femininity and hormones. Also I love the book Women’s Power to Heal through Inner Medicine by Maya Tiwari for all women.

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    admin

    Thank you for sharing Kimberly. Writing this blog post was so cathartic for me. I’ve taken back my own power to heal myself in body, mind and spirit. And I know there is so much I can do to increase fertility – that I wasn’t taking responsibility for before. I’ve vowed to stop comparing myself to other women, but rather to look to them for guidance. I’m so lucky to have Russell to support me through this journey. Thank you for the book recommendations!! Maybe one of these days I’ll see you in Brazil!

  10. Juliet

    Erin,

    This is so profound on many levels and for all women where ever they are in their journey and no matter what they desire. We have to create space for what we want in our lives. We have to release what isn’t working and what we no longer need. If we look at nature, the cycle of the seasons and the cycle of the moon, we know that there is a time for planting, nurturing, harvesting and lying fallow. Thank you so much for sharing this and I am looking forward to continuing the conversation.

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